Sometimes
you get puzzled, you start questioning self and looking for answers. You
meticulously try to decipher your past. You keep on doing this for many days. You approach dear ones for response, ignore things which you don’t want to hear. You want to listen what your heart yearns for. You begin to close eyes to the
realities. You try to take your eyes away from past.
You keep
on wondering and questioning.
When I
look at myself 15 years ago, things were different and now things are still different. Then, I was focused yet confused and now, I am in almost same situation.
For eight
long years, I have worked, lived and enjoyed being a journalist. I wrapped up
these years of my identity in journalism and almost every major good thing in
my life (personally and professionally) can be linked in some way to
journalism. But now I want to leave news.
Almost
around 15 years ago, when my friends were aspiring to become doctors,
engineers, managers and Indian Administrative Services or Indian Police
Services officer, I thought something different – Journalism. I was not in
vogue and many of friends were apprehensive about it. I was brought up in an industrial
town – Dhanbad -- which is known for coal mines. Most of my friends’ parents
were employed with Coal India as doctors, engineers and managers. I too
belong from same family background and my father is senior engineer. Convent
educated, I was doing good.
I live
everyday with a dream to become a newsman after completing my schooling despite
I used to
never read newspapers.
I shifted
to Patna for graduation in 1997.
I was not
very serious in academics and I avoided examinations however I managed through
graduation with fairly good marks. I rarely applied for any government job. My
only job was to interact and meet as many as people and listen to them. I am a
good listener. I never disclosed people what I wanted to become. I had gone lived
bad days during graduation. I had become local ruffian but was not involved in
any criminal activities. I was involved in street fights.
After
graduation, I came to Delhi in 2002. Fair decision!
I was not
very serious enough about my career but somewhere in my heart, I always lived
with a dream to become a journalist. I wasted two year though there was extreme
pressure from my father to pursue management studies. I just wanted to study.
I started loving reading and gradually writing.
I lied to
parents and joined journalism course in a very small-time college where they do
not provide placements and fees was almost negligible compare to management
studies. I paid Rs 9300 for the course that I arranged from my friends and
family. This was a first step towards my dream as newsman.
Friends
criticised.
They
suggested me to apply for various government jobs and to pursue management
studies. They mocked at me even few stopped interacting with me. In comparison
to my graduation days, I maintained a very limited friends circle in Delhi. I
stopped talking to many.
I was
struggling for survival.
Money was
biggest issue for me in Delhi. I was having and still having a habit of
smoking and I was spendthrift. I was only able to mange to have food and after
paying rent. Left with no money, I was tough for me to attend classes. I had to
travel to and fro Munirka to KG Marg and for that I needed Rs 20 per day which
makes Rs 600 per month.
Seeing
the tough situation I was facing, a few friends come forward to help me out. Friend I made in journalism class helped me
out. After 15 days of joining journalism classes in 2004, a friend offered in a
part time job in a almost ‘dead’ magazine (as it was last published in 2000) where
I had to type and proof read few articles. In a dingy outhouse of a posh
bungalow in Vasant Vihar, I was assigned to do this job where there was only
one computer. Left with no other option for survival, I took up the challenge
and started doing proof reading.
I was
happy but not content.
While was
studying and doing part-time job, I got a job offer in a small-time fashion
magazine. I got an opportunity to cover fashion and appeal industry. The office
was situated in Outer Delhi’s Mangolpuri. I was a newsman and started
covering fashion. But those were though days as I had to manage my class at
Central Delhi, home at south Delhi and office at Outer Delhi. I almost
travelled around 70 kilometres in various busses thought-out a day. I was
not performing well in office but was managing things over there. There was no
one to guide or teach me and I was on my own. I learnt about appeal industry
and fashion and was lucky enough to cover a few fashion show and able to meet
Bollywood stalwarts.
I was in
high spirits but it did not last long.
I quit
the magazine job after I completed with journalism. I wanted to become
real-time journalist – investigative reporter. I started looking for job. I
started looking job in regular newspapers and news channel. Unaware how
one gets job in media industry, I started visiting newspaper offices. Surprisingly,
except five newspapers – The Hindu, The Tribune, The Statesman, Deccan Herald
and The Indian Express – and a news agency – UNI, I was almost thrown out of
the office where security guards used to mock at me and ask to submit my resume
to them. “Like you, there are thousands of people come to office to submit
their resume,” said almost every security guard to television news houses and
leading newspaper houses. “Saala ek aur aaya hai Journalist banane,” heard
several times when thrown out of the offices. I felt humiliated and disgraced.
I was
depressed and desperate.
I was
with no money and no job and have borrowed whole lot of money from friends. My
roommate – Pankaj Kumar Singh -- requested me to join a weather news agency and
copy editor as he was leaving it and joining Asian News International.
I
reluctantly joined. I started travelling from Munirka to Noida. I started
learning about weather reports and forecast. It was interesting. I was asked
also write report in Hindi for some news channels. I did not know how to type
in Hindi and I was though for me. I managed to learn a bit of Hindi tying. I
was fun and boss was happy with my part of job. When he spoke to me about my
career and saw desperation to become a journalist, he referred me to some of
his journalist friends but with no success.
I was
still looking for job.
While the
hunt for job was on, I got in touch with a professor of a media college who
offered me a job of book editing. I started going to one of the biggest
publishing house for training after few days leave from the weather news
agency. But before I got an offer letter, I quit weather news agency.
Unfortunately, I could not get a job at publishing house as they were paying
pea nuts compare to what they promised. I left the offer
arrogantly.
I back on
street with no job.
I applied
in The Statesman through one of my classmate. I got a call from there for a
written test. I appeared for the test but could make through. I cried a lot
when I came to know about it but could share with anyone with a guilt feeling
that I got an opportunity but I failed. I stop meeting friends and keep on
reading books to console myself.
It was of
no help.
I was
just managing things with no job in my hand. My younger brother Amit Kumar came
to Delhi after completing BBA from Bangalore. We were staying together and he
was applying for Master in Business Management. He was managing my
finances and was motivating me. I was hunting for jobs. A friend approached me
with a freelance job of preparing pre-poll analysis with a survey
company. They were paying ok. I agreed and went to Sultanpur and Jhansi in
Uttar Pradesh for around 10 days to prepare the pre-poll report. I visited
these two districts and talked to various people and local leader and met
infamous UP leader Raja Bhiya -- Raghuraj Pratap Singh. Made few friends
returned and managed to get few thousand bucks for survival. It was in 2006
before Uttar Pradesh assembly election.
Hunt was
on. I had lost hope and only few friends and younger brother were supporting
me. It was almost two years of struggle and it was one of the darkest
phases of my life. It was my brother Amit Kumar and friend Anshuman Gungan who
were motivating me. I turned to drinks and yoga and started looking for
jobs in small-time magazines for survival. All doors were closed. It was
like I was begging for jobs.
The night
seems to be very long. I was completely broke.
Suddenly,
one day Anshuman came to meet at Munirka and asked me whether I was interested
to move out of Delhi. I immediately replied ‘yes’. He in front of me made a
call to one of his friend in Rajasthan’s Jaipur and told her that one of his
friends (me) was interested in joining DNA newspaper. He gave me her email id and
asked to send my resume to her immediately. I saw a ray of hope. I mailed
her resume but did not get any response from her for a month. Anshuman asked to
keep in touch with her but I was avoiding it.
It was
August 11 and I was consuming alcohol at one of my friends place at Laxmi Nagar
on terrace at around 9 pm. Anshuman gave me a call and asked me to call
his friend in Jaipur immediately. I said I will call her later but he got
furious and angrily reiterated to call his friend in next few minutes. I
reluctantly called her. She told me that my resume has become victim of
office politics and concerned Editor did not get your resume. “The editor is
expecting a call as I have mentioned about you that you want to relocate to
Jaipur from Delhi,” she said on the other said of the phone with a strict
instruction to call the editor immediately.
I said
that I will call the editor in the morning but she insisted me to call the
Editor immediately. I complied though I could not say anything to her about my
current situation – I had already three pegs of Royal Stag whisky.
After
attending the call, I was in shock as I was asked to the call the editor in
immediate basis. The friend of mine who was drinking -- Sanjeev Kumar Singh
alias Laloo – boosted me with his motivation speeches and convinced me to make
a call.
I gave
telephonic interview bring drunk.
Charged
with the motivational repeated dialogues of Sanjeev, I ranged up the editor and
found that The Editor was female. I got more cautious. She asked me about
my education background and present employment and past experiences. I honestly
replied that I have no job in hand at present and I am looking for one. I told
her about my past journalism experiences. She any how found my reply
satisfactory and asked me to come to Jaipur by next morning and told me about
the route and means of transportation available at that point of time. She then
disconnected the saying ‘will meet tomorrow’.
I was
totally blank.
I told
this development to Anshuman and his friend in Jaipur and Sanjeev. Excited over
development, Sanjeev rushed to alcohol shop as it was 9: 50 pm and bought
another bottle of whisky. I gulped two more pegs took an auto rickshaw to
Munirka where I was staying with my school mate and very dear friend -- Prem
Kant Mishra. He was also shocked to find me drunk and my sudden announcement of
going to Jaipur at around 11 pm. He thought was saying this in drunken state but
he after getting sure about the development allowed me to go to Jaipur. I
packed my bags and went to Dhaula Kuan to catch a bus for Jaipur. I boarded a
bus and went to sleep.
By 5 am,
I got down at Sindhi Camp bus depot at Jaipur. I took a room in a hotel and
went to sleep. At 11 am, I woke and gave a call to the editor who asked
me to reach office by 3 pm. I enquired about the address and was looking for
bus. But found that city has not very good bus services. I took an auto went to
the office called the Editor and went inside to meet her.
Jaipur is
still a Pink city.
She
welcomed me and interviewed me. Thereafter, I was asked to appear for a written
test. I appeared for the test. After completing it she asked me to take a break
for an hour and return to the office by 8 pm. I went again. As I entered, she
saw me and told me that I have to appear for another test and thereafter she
would let me know whether I have been shortlisted for final round interview.
Tensed, I
appeared for another test – Page designing on Quark Xpress. Thankfully, I knew
basics of the software. I was trying to figure out how to make a newspaper page.
Then a man named Rajeev Singh sitting beside me and was silently seeing on my
computer and my face. He guided me with the style and format of the page. I
anyhow manage to put up the show but was scared that I will fail in the test.
I
submitted the print-out of the page and while doing so the Editor gave me a
scary look seeing the page. She thanked me and asked me leave for the hotel.
‘Will intimate you,” she said. I walked out of the office with teary eyes. I did
not know how to return home as there was no auto rickshaw. I sat a tea shop and
sat over there and started smoking cigarettes and thinking about my life and
past for long. “What shall I do if I do get this job? What would I tell
my parents,” I kept pondering. The whole lot of negative thought crept and kept
taunting me. I kept smoking to keep those thought away.
I was lost.
Suddenly
the man who helped me in making pages -- Rajeev Singh -- appeared before me and
asked me what I was doing as it was around 11: 30 pm. I told him I was looking
for an auto rickshaw but could get any and was wondering how I would return to
my hotel.
Man a
very few words, Rajeev did not speak much to me and gave lift to my hotel. I
went to look for a liquor shop and bought a whisky bottle and had four pegs and
went to sleep as I had to leave to Delhi next day.
I woke up
next around 11 am only to find five miss calls on mobile phone from the Editor.
I call back her only to find that I have visit the office again for another round
interview. I thanked god. I reached there by 2 pm and went straight to her. She
without looking at me said to meet Human Resource Manager for another round of
interview at first floor of the building.
I met the
HR manager. She smiled and welcomed me and gave an envelope and asked me to
check outside. She congratulated me for joining their organsisation. I was
expressionless for little moment and started sweating and shivering. It was unbelievable. I thanked her and went
outside to open the envelope.
I got an
offer letter. I was offered a post a sub-editor in one of the leading newspaper
-- DNA.
I took a
deep breath went to meet the Editor, thanked her and rushed outside to the
office. I wanted to madly dance, run, jump and shout. But I called up Anshuman,
younger brother Amit Kumar, then my mother and father and thereafter Sanjeev
and many more friends. I was crying while calling them and within few minutes it started raining.
I got drenched in rain and enjoyed walking for almost an hour.
I got an
opportunity in a newspaper and will gradually become investigative reporter, I assured
myself. The doors have opened and I am in.
But things
changed...... now I want to leave news.
I’ve put a lot of thought into
answering ‘why,’ and I have a lot to say...
(To be Continued)